


Blind and burn me, for I am not worthy

by rainofgrenades



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Drunk kiss, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Memories, Ooops, Pain, Shy babies, for a challenge, guess someone'll die, misunderstood own feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 01:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12997164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainofgrenades/pseuds/rainofgrenades
Summary: “We’re cosmic dust, made to melt and reunite with powder of the same star we come from, and we have faith in the wind.”_It was bad, bad just as shy things can be, Matt’s glasses hitting Shiro’s face, but for a couple of moments nothing really mattered.It was only them, and Shiro clearly understood what they were made of.Then the flash came.





	Blind and burn me, for I am not worthy

**T** he flash suddenly tore the breath out of his lungs, while light filled his eyes.  
   
It was so white, pure blinding white.  
  
Shiro gasped, panicked, trying to get back to the world, pain attempting to creep into his numb body.  
  
But even the pain was blind.  
  
Everything was silent brightness.  
  
  
  
“Shiro, what the hell?” Matt’s voice shook him out of his confusion, making him blink furiously a couple of times in the attempt to see again.  
What was that flash made of? Explosives?  
  
“Did you steal that thing from the Garrison? Is that a weapon of some sort?” indexes running to rub his own eyes, Shiro sighed, knowing so well Matt was going to laugh at him for his unnecessary fear of cameras.  
And Matt did laugh, and the fear wasn’t so unnecessary.  
  
“Yes, Mr. Perfect Jaw, you’re going to die in under three minutes. Truth be told, you’ll die in the exact moment you’ll see your ugly face in this pic” grinning, the boy moved the camera screen to face Shiro, shaking it to make it impossible for his victim to check the statement.  
  
“…Matt. Let me see that.” Shiro wasn’t panicking, come on. It would have been stupid to lose his shit about a picture.  
…right?  
  
But Matt didn’t stop; he stood, that threatening smile still on his lips, and called his sister with the most wicked shout. “Katie, hey, wanna see the derpest pilot on Earth?”  
  
“Matt, no!” Shiro reached out trying to grab his friend, or the camera, or anything, failing miserably as Matt already learnt a long time ago how to escape him, and he could do nothing but watch in horror as Matt’s little sister run to him, grabbing the camera.  
  
Katie wasn’t something people would call threatening, not until she spoke. Then, anyone feared her brain.  
Her infamous grin showed up as wide as her face allowed, and then her eyes ran to Shiro even though she was speaking to Matt.  
“Do you think we can place this one on the Kerberos files?”  
  
Shiro’s weak protest combined with his increasing anxiety – that was the most common reaction at the Holt duo – had the siblings’ laughter resonate again in the house, evil plans and all, until Mrs. Holt’s voice called them from the kitchen.  
  
“Stop teasing Shiro, you gremlins! Come downstairs and help with dinner!” there was no way she could have heard what her children were saying, but she knew them well enough to figure it out.  
  
“You’re not safe.” Katie wiggled her eyebrows, holding the camera high. “The Garrison will know. We’ll print this on the Kerberos flag.”  
  
“Katie, please...” Shiro begged, only to see both camera and girl disappear in the hall. Facepalming, he fell back on the bed again: it was always like this at the Holt’s, pranks and games that only Matt and Katie truly understood. “Why did I even come here?”  
  
“Because you love us.” Matt’s weight made the mattress move, ungraceful as usual, but Shiro forgot about it in that very moment, as fingers patted his short black hair.  
“And because you’re a masochistic, graduated, and desperate child.”  
  
Hands promptly sliding down to show the doubtful expression on his face, Shiro raised an eyebrow.  
“Oh, am I?”  
  
“Yessir” dangerous grin showing again, Matt hovered on him, a little too close than allowed.  
“Or am I wrong?” then, the gulp in Shiro’s throat was obvious to them both.  
  
Shiro’s eyes shut close for a moment, and the knot in his stomach disappeared a bit so he could speak again.  
“…I hate you.”  
  
“You don’t.” the words were whispered in something too intimate to be just a tease, only a breath away from Shiro’s lips, but were followed by another cruel pat on his chest and Matt getting up, leaving him alone with the mess inside his head.  
“No help, no food!”  
  
Shiro sighed, promptly following the boy and gladly drowning in the welcoming warmth that always filled every corner of that house: the hall was bathed in a soft orange light, Christmas decorations engulfing the walls – still nothing compared to those in the living room –, and everything smelled right, like cinnamon and boiled meat, tangerine and chocolate.  
The more he walked near the kitchen the more the scent hit him, and there it was the whole Holt family, reunited in that small room. Samuel talking solemnly to the Bae Bae the dog about something that sounded like the philosophy of Christmas in the old NASA headquarter while holding an already dried off glass; Colleen sighing, hands wrapped in mittens as she pulled out of the oven another delicious-looking set of roasted potatoes, a smile never leaving her lips; Katie intently folding the green napkins into little pine trees; Matt winking at Shiro while a stolen cookie disappeared in his mouth.  
Shiro thought about denouncing the theft but before he could speak and return the pranks, Matt shoved a precarious pile of dishes in his arms, whispering again the mantra.  
Shiro wanted to eat, he really was hungry and all that food was a pain to look at without touching, so he groaned and proceeded in placing the dishes on the nice cloth, right beside Katie’s cute trees.  
  
“Guess what I’m printing, Shiro!” the girl’s smile was so open and sincere no one would have ever accused her of anything, but Shiro knew better than that.  
  
“My face. On a thousand flyers. Merry Christmas Garrison Academy?” his own voice was resigned, not a single trace of hope. That was what the Holt Demon Siblings did: they would drain you of your inner peace while adorably laughing, eyes glowing with the remnants of a screen light.  
  
“You hurt my feelings!” her gasp was so fake even Matt laughed from the next room.  
“It’s your Christmas gift, you monster! How could you say something like that?”  
  
Shiro’s hand was able to grab her whole head, and so he did, keeping her an arm far while walking to his seat.  
“Yes, I remember my birthday gift. Making me run half-naked across the damn school after giving me a “winning ticket for a free, wonderful, relaxing jogging afternoon” was a gift from the bottom of your dead heart.”  
  
“Everyone appreciated that, come on!” Matt was grinning again, eyebrows clearly wiggling from across the table, and Katie escaped from Shiro’s hold, hissing just like a disappointed cat and sitting next to her brother.  
  
Shiro didn’t exactly appreciate the deadly run from his worms-filled shower, but Mrs. Holt prevented him from disgusting everyone again with the details by placing a heavenly made first course right before him.  
  
The dinner went on in the most typical Holt way, bad jokes and pointless debates about anything in which Shiro always eagerly threw himself in, forgetting of the fact that once again he wasn’t celebrating the holiday at home. The Garrison demanded a high toll from him, but this family was something he was really grateful for, and he would always be for sure.  
  
  
  
When the wonderful meal finished, everyone retired to their room to retrieve the gifts for the following exchange, and of course to rest a bit. The boys sure did, sitting on Matt’s bed with nothing more than wine leftovers and led lights flashing on and off around the room walls.  
  
“I can already hear you complaining about fat and skipped training, you know?” gesturing with his almost empty fizz glass, Matt’s head looked way too light, and Shiro wasn’t feeling too smart to reply on the same tone. _Too much food…_  
Wait, was he already mentally complaining? Damn Matt.  
  
“I don’t complain that much.” shrugging, Shiro let his head fall back on his own shoulders, eyes closed.  
“You are the one always complaining about me.”  
  
“Yes, because someone has to do it, Mr. Garrison.” smacking his free hand on the nearest Shiro’s shoulder, Matt grinned again, glasses a bit too low on his nose. He was tired, they both were, because of Italian cuisine and wine and warmth and too many laughter.  
  
Kneeling on the floor to grab his present for Katie, the last one, from under Matt’s bed, Shiro sighed, knees hurting a bit.  
“Do you think she’ll delete that pic?”  
  
“Nah.” Matt shot a glance towards the hall before drinking what was left of his glass.  
“You know her, she’ll probably go to the nearest tech store and will make it the default wallpaper of everything provided with a screen. Handing out flyers for the Garrison in the meantime.”  
  
Shiro sighed again, dramatically but not on purpose, eyes running from the ceiling to his own knees.  
“Why can’t we take a better one? I’ve got a reputation, you know?”  
  
“…as? The _diligent, handsome, talented star pilot_?” Matt’s impression of Iverson was actually convincing, and Shiro found himself smiling at the floor, even if something sounded off.  
“…you’re creepy, stop smiling at the nonexistent porns under my bed.”  
  
Right: Iverson never called him _handsome_.  
  
Shiro’s face rose to point a raised brow to Matt, a sarcastic line ready on his tongue, but the look pooling in his friend’s eyes cut the words in his throat.  
There was something with Matt lately, there was something between them. Too many casual touches, too many stupid thoughts, too many unsaid things.  
Or maybe it was Shiro’s brain, making up shit because they grew so close in so little time, the application for the Kerberos Mission only accelerating the process.  
It was them, always the two of them, talking past the curfew or watching documentaries, sharing thoughts and friendly teasing each other, and it was so weird thinking about how Matt was a class behind him. He wouldn’t graduate until next year, and after the potential Kerberos trip Shiro could become one of his Support Instructor. That would have meant be together again.  
  
It was the two of them now too, and the knot tightened again in Shiro’s throat.  
It was stupid, it was made up.  
  
“…can you please stop being creepy by staring at me, now? Are you drunk?” Matt was the one raising an eyebrow at him, and Shiro could feel his own face flushing red as he moved his gaze.  
  
What was going on? It wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t even examined, it was…  
  
“…ok, you want a better pic? Stay there.” empty glass forgotten on the bed, Matt retrieved his phone, opening the camera before sliding on the floor next to Shiro.  
“Here we go.”  
  
Surprised by the sudden change in his best friend mind, Shiro tried to straighten up as best as he could, but he never succeeded.  
  
Matt’s hand around his shoulders pushed on his cheek, confusion allowing him to mold Shiro’s reaction, and without any warning he made their lips collide.  
It was bad, bad just as shy things can be, Matt’s glasses hitting Shiro’s face, but for a couple of moments nothing really mattered.  
  
It was only them, and Shiro clearly understood what they were made of.  
  
Then the flash came and blinded Shiro’s wide-open eyes, along with the crystalline sound of Matt laughing a o _h, you really don’t want to see your face here!,_  and brightness took over everything.  
  
It was too much, too white, too silent.  
  
  
  
Then a subtle, distant high-pitched sound was messing with Shiro’s thoughts, trying to hide Matt’s laughter.  
  
  
The scent of the warm house disappeared and Shiro found a scream in his throat, a knot made of pain and fear killing his breath, and his burning cheeks were covered in tears.  
  
  
When the world’s shadows appeared again, the whole Rebel fleet wasn’t there anymore.  
  
  
When the shapes started to make sense again in Shiro’s mind, the Paladin’s whole world was gone with one, _insignificant_ human.  
  
  
The explosion was gone, the satellite was gone, the Galra mothership was gone, and Matt was gone with it all.  
  
Shiro crumbled, numb agony making him deaf to his own screams, and when his lips closed, too tired to go on, Matt’s ones were there on his, giving him once again a Christmas gift he never deserved.  
  
The space called for them, the aliens took them away, cruel fate separated them, and Shiro could now get killed under the overwhelming feeling of guilt dwelling inside himself.  
He left Matt. He tried to save him by leaving. How stupid had ever been that thought? How stupid had been ignoring the urge to find him because of Voltron, how stupid had been not holding him close after he they reunited again?  
  
How stupid was to shut everything off, his suffering body and the desperate calls from his teammates, in order to hide in memories, to bathe again in warm orange light and in too sweet awareness?  
  
  
How stupid was to smile, tears soaking his lips, feeling glasses on his face and a hand on his heart?  
  
  
How stupid was to love what was already a ghost?

**Author's Note:**

> Some time ago a friend asked for a Shatt work. Some days ago I was asked to participate in a Voltron Advent Calendar, so I took that opportunity to made myself write this.  
> It wasn't supposed to be angsty, but we all know there's nothing else I can write. (to be honest, I can't write at all...)  
> Merry Christmas, people! <3


End file.
